Silver Lining

Deciding to bring a life into this world is an amazing feeling. Knowing you are ready and the one person you care about the most in this world wants the same thing. Then the glorious moment arrives and you find yourself holding a little stick verifying that you are in fact, pregnant, and you realize your life is about to change. You find yourself suddenly concerned about how many green leafy foods are in your diet, how much caffeine you can remove from your day, popping those huge prenatal pills, all so you can take care of this little baby growing inside you. It’s like instantly going into mommy mode for a tiny creature you’ve only seen on an ultrasound. Seeing that little heartbeat flutter for the first time only refuels your instinct to do everything you can to prepare for a healthy, beautiful baby.

Now I sit here, 12 weeks later, feeling emptier inside than I did before I knew I was pregnant. Lying there patiently waiting for the sound of a heartbeat was the longest few minutes of my life. I knew I had a bad feeling when I saw spotting for the first time. You try to convince yourself that its normal and that everything will be okay, but deep down I knew it wasn’t. About two weeks ago, I started feeling less pregnant and I had a feeling something went wrong. But then you just tell yourself to put those thoughts out and be glad you’re one of the “lucky ones” that didn’t endure nausea.

After about one minute of waiting for that precious heartbeat, my hope began to dwindle. Then those words that I had nightmare of came out of my doctor’s mouth, “I’m Sorry. I have bad news.” That’s all he had to say. My biggest fear had come true.

The only way I can describe how I feel right now is cheated. Cheated because nobody really tells you why this happens. If it’s so “common” why aren’t there answers? I feel cheated because I had to walk out of a waiting area in tears where I saw mommies-to-be with their huge beautiful bellies knowing that would not be me. Cheated because I feel the next time I get pregnant, I won’t be able to be excited the first few weeks of knowing there is life inside me. Cheated because I know there was nothing I could have done to save my baby.

It’s extremely painful for me right now to think about November. Did we get too excited too soon? Should we have held off telling our friends and family the wonderful news? Should I have waited until later in the pregnancy to start celebrating?

I’m sure within the next upcoming months I will have tried to come to some tidy conclusion on this entire event. I’ll analyze and reanalyze. I’ll try to deal with the outcome and figure out some way that I will become a stronger person for it. But there are no neat endings. My pregnancy and the miracles surrounding was suddenly cut short, and eventually I will come to terms with it.

If there is one moment that today gave me strength, it was undoubtedly, waking up from a long nap to my entire family gathered in my home. Waiting for me to wake up so they can grieve with me. You see, part of my pain was having to tell my family that this baby was lost. When I sat with them by my bedside I realize that their only pain was mine. There is nothing in this world stronger than the ties of family. There being with me today was ironically a symbol of life and how they give me the strength and will, so that together, we can all bless the one that got away. I once asked Lance to explain the definition of Silver Lining. I looked it up tonight. Silver Lining: A consoling aspect of a difficult situation. My family was definitely my silver lining today. Through this unexpected outcome of what I’ve lost, I have a keen picture of what I truly have. Family.