Silver Lining

Deciding to bring a life into this world is an amazing feeling. Knowing you are ready and the one person you care about the most in this world wants the same thing. Then the glorious moment arrives and you find yourself holding a little stick verifying that you are in fact, pregnant, and you realize your life is about to change. You find yourself suddenly concerned about how many green leafy foods are in your diet, how much caffeine you can remove from your day, popping those huge prenatal pills, all so you can take care of this little baby growing inside you. It’s like instantly going into mommy mode for a tiny creature you’ve only seen on an ultrasound. Seeing that little heartbeat flutter for the first time only refuels your instinct to do everything you can to prepare for a healthy, beautiful baby.

Now I sit here, 12 weeks later, feeling emptier inside than I did before I knew I was pregnant. Lying there patiently waiting for the sound of a heartbeat was the longest few minutes of my life. I knew I had a bad feeling when I saw spotting for the first time. You try to convince yourself that its normal and that everything will be okay, but deep down I knew it wasn’t. About two weeks ago, I started feeling less pregnant and I had a feeling something went wrong. But then you just tell yourself to put those thoughts out and be glad you’re one of the “lucky ones” that didn’t endure nausea.

After about one minute of waiting for that precious heartbeat, my hope began to dwindle. Then those words that I had nightmare of came out of my doctor’s mouth, “I’m Sorry. I have bad news.” That’s all he had to say. My biggest fear had come true.

The only way I can describe how I feel right now is cheated. Cheated because nobody really tells you why this happens. If it’s so “common” why aren’t there answers? I feel cheated because I had to walk out of a waiting area in tears where I saw mommies-to-be with their huge beautiful bellies knowing that would not be me. Cheated because I feel the next time I get pregnant, I won’t be able to be excited the first few weeks of knowing there is life inside me. Cheated because I know there was nothing I could have done to save my baby.

It’s extremely painful for me right now to think about November. Did we get too excited too soon? Should we have held off telling our friends and family the wonderful news? Should I have waited until later in the pregnancy to start celebrating?

I’m sure within the next upcoming months I will have tried to come to some tidy conclusion on this entire event. I’ll analyze and reanalyze. I’ll try to deal with the outcome and figure out some way that I will become a stronger person for it. But there are no neat endings. My pregnancy and the miracles surrounding was suddenly cut short, and eventually I will come to terms with it.

If there is one moment that today gave me strength, it was undoubtedly, waking up from a long nap to my entire family gathered in my home. Waiting for me to wake up so they can grieve with me. You see, part of my pain was having to tell my family that this baby was lost. When I sat with them by my bedside I realize that their only pain was mine. There is nothing in this world stronger than the ties of family. There being with me today was ironically a symbol of life and how they give me the strength and will, so that together, we can all bless the one that got away. I once asked Lance to explain the definition of Silver Lining. I looked it up tonight. Silver Lining: A consoling aspect of a difficult situation. My family was definitely my silver lining today. Through this unexpected outcome of what I’ve lost, I have a keen picture of what I truly have. Family.

This morning I took the Intelligender test. This is an at home test designed to identify whether you are having a girl or boy. It might seem a little hard to believe, but I'm sure the at home pregnancy test seemed a little far fetched at one time too. So,this test basically reassured me of what my gut was already telling me...we're having a girl! I'm not going to start painting the room yet, but I have already been scanning baby clothes online. It's just a matter of time before I break out the wallet! Who can resist those precious little outfits with matching sun hats? And I had no idea Juicy made baby clothes...freakin adorable!

11 Week Update

How our baby's growing:

Our baby, just over 1 1/2 inches long and about the size of a fig, is now almost fully formed. Her hands will soon open and close into fists, tiny tooth buds are beginning to appear under her gums, and some of her bones are beginning to harden. She's already busy kicking and stretching, and her tiny movements are so effortless they look like water ballet. These movements will become more frequent as her body grows and becomes more developed and functional. I won't feel my baby's acrobatics for another month or two — nor will I notice the hiccupping that may be happening now that her diaphragm is forming.

10 Weeks: Pregnant and Paranoid

I’m ten weeks pregnant and I’m not sure how to feel when I’m not feeling pregnant. I’ve heard dozens of stories of their first trimester symptoms, and while I admit I had some symptoms early on (very early), within the past 2 weeks they have faded.

I know most expectant mothers would be thankful and tell me to quit complaining, but thanks to watching “Marley and Me” a few weeks ago, I’m just paranoid.

Last Friday I was actually relieved when I found myself hugging the toilet feeling sick, but I’m starting to think I was just reacting to some very unhealthy Mexican food.

So now I find myself anxiously waiting for my next doctor’s appointment so I can be reunited with my little lima bean.

Waist Expansion: Part One

Okay so I didn't think that I would be one of those lame "first time mommies" who post their belly photos online...oh wait, yes I did! So here it is, the first photo of my waist line 1 inch wider than normal. We can all watch it slowly expand over the next 7 months, exciting, I know!

Baby's First Concert!

Baby Rocked at the Britney Spears concert on Monday night!

9 weeks: Our Lima Bean is growing!

Our new resident is nearly an inch long — about the size of a grape — and weighs just a fraction of an ounce. She's starting to look more and more human. Her essential body parts are accounted for, though they'll go through plenty of fine-tuning in the coming months. Other changes abound: Our baby's heart finishes dividing into four chambers, and the valves start to form — as do her tiny teeth. The embryonic "tail" is completely gone. Our baby's organs, muscles, and nerves are kicking into gear. The external sex organs are there but won't be distinguishable as male or female for another few weeks. Her eyes are fully formed, but her eyelids are fused shut and won't open until 27 weeks. She has tiny earlobes, and her mouth, nose, and nostrils are more distinct. The placenta is developed enough now to take over most of the critical job of producing hormones. Now that our baby's basic physiology is in place, she's poised for rapid weight gain.

Week 8

How your baby's growing: New this week: Webbed fingers and toes are poking out from your baby's hands and feet, his eyelids practically cover his eyes, breathing tubes extend from his throat to the branches of his developing lungs, and his "tail" is just about gone. In his brain, nerve cells are branching out to connect with one another, forming primitive neural pathways. You may be daydreaming about your baby as one sex or the other, but the external genitals still haven't developed enough to reveal whether you're having a boy or a girl. Either way, your baby — about the size of a kidney bean - is constantly moving and shifting, though you still can't feel it.

How your life's changing: You may notice that your bra is getting more snug. Soon you'll likely need a larger size with better support. Rising levels of hormones cause breast growth and other tissue changes. Your breasts may continue to grow throughout pregnancy. Don't be surprised if you go up a cup size or two, especially if it's your first baby. (I'm covered on the larger bra's.. thanks to Nicole's donations.) Keep this in mind, and allow for room to grow when investing in a new bra.

Feeling fatigued? (YES!) Hormonal changes — in particular, a dramatic rise in progesterone — may be contributing to your sluggishness. Nausea and vomiting can certainly cost you energy, too. And you may be having trouble getting a good night's sleep at this point, especially if you're uncomfortable or find you need to get up to pee.

Thank you Rebekah!

I loved, loved, loved the flowers Rebekah sent me this afternoon! Thank you so much!

Pregnancy "Symptoms" - Week 7

Everyone keeps asking me "How do you feel? Feeling morning sickness yet?" And then when I say I feel great and I have no morning sickness, they are quick to follow it up with, "Oh don't worry...you'll get some morning sickness." or "It's probably still too early." Why would I worry about not feeling sick? Maybe its not that I'm too early for it, maybe I'm just one of the lucky ones, right? I guess we'll have to wait and see.

But morning sickness or no morning sickness, pregnancy symptoms are all around me. Saturday morning I watched a preview for "Fireproof" and was in tears. I called Lance and told him to hurry home so we could watch it together. It's a WWJD movie all the way...kinda reminded me of a White Tyler Perry movie...a little cheesy and predictable. Nonetheless, I practically cried the entire movie. Lance was sweet to sit through the entire thing with me.

Besides being over emotional, I am soooo tired! Last week I almost fell asleep sitting in traffic! Then twice I almost fell asleep at my desk (once while I was on hold). I'm forcing myself to stay awake till atleast 9:00, but I could easily call it a night at 6:30. You'd think I'd be able to get back to my workout routine with all that extra sleep....heck no! I can barely wake up for work! I'm sure waking up five times a night to pee doesn't help.

I'm totally blaming "pregnancy" on the five extra pounds I've put on within the last 2 weeks. It's ridiculous! It's like my body has instinctively gone into fat storing mode for this little tiny baby. At this rate, I'll be about 170 lbs!

MOTHERHOOD... IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE

Time is running out for my friend.

We are sitting at lunch when she casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family."

What she means is that her biological clock has begun its countdown and she is considering the prospect of motherhood.

"We're taking a survey," she says, half jokingly."Do you think I should have a baby?"

"It will change your life," I say carefully."I know," she says. "No more sleeping in on Saturdays, no more spontaneous vacations..."

But that is not what I mean at all.

I look at my friend, trying to decide what to tell her .I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of childbirth heal, but that becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will be forever vulnerable.

I consider warning her that she will never reada newspaper again without asking "What if that had been my child?" That every plane crash, every fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will look at the mothers and wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.

I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think she should know that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will immediately reduce her to the primitive level.

That a slightly urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop her best crystal without a moment's hesitation.

I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might successfully arrange forchild care, but one day she will be waiting to go into an important business meeting, and she will think about her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure he is all right.

I want my friend to know that everyday routine decisions will no longer be routine. That a visit to Mc Donald's and afive year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's room will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will beweighed against the prospect that danger may be lurking inthe rest room.

I want her to know that however decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother. Looking at my attractive friend, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but will never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child.That she would give it up in a moment to save her offspring,but will also begin to hope for more years, not so much to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish his.

I want her to know that a cesarean scar or stretch marks will become badges of honor.

My friend's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the ways she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is always careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his son. I think she should know that she will fall in love with her husband again for reasons she would never have imagined.

I wish my modern friend could sense the bond she will feelwith other women throughout history who have tried desperately to stop war and prejudice and drunk driving.

I want to describe to my friend the exhilaration of seeing your son learn to hit a baseball. I want to capture for herthe laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog forthe first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so realthat it hurts.

My friend's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes.

"You'll never regret it," I say finally.

by Dale Hanson BourkeChicken Soup for the Woman's Soul

Announcing Our Little Lima Bean

If you're reading this then I'm sure you already heard that Lance and I are having a baby! We've started to announce our little suprise to a few friends and family. I really wanted to wait until around 12 weeks, but it's just so hard to keep a secret like that! So if you weren't the first to know, I'm sorry, but I pretty much told random people out of sheer excitement.

It's an amazing feeling to know that from this moment on, I am taking care of a precious life. I'm already worrying, concerned about what I feed her (Yes, I have been calling our baby a "her" because I have this gut feeling we're having a girl!) , and planning for our future.

Our due date is November 2nd and incase you're wondering, November was a "yellow" month for me. For everyone who knows how much I LOVE to plan, you know what I'm talking about.

Tuesday was our first doctor visit. It was actually last minute. I have spent the last 2-3 weeks researching which doctor to deliver our baby, and it was really a touch decision. How do you just pick a name from a list of doctors? I even had an interview scheduled with a midwife to see what my birthing options were. Then on Monday I attended the Ribbon Cutting of the new Methodist Hospital in Stone Oak and had a chance to take a tour. It's amazing! Right across the street was Dr. Villanueva's a.ka. "Dr. V's" new office. I've actually read some great ratings on ratemd.com and was excited when I found out he was covered with my new insurance. I gave him a call Tuesday morning and they said "come on in this afternoon!". So I did! I finally got to see my little lima bean's heart beat flutter on the screen. Doc said we've got a healthy, strong beat and everything looks perfect. So after I drilled him with questions and explained how a natural childbirth was important to me, he sent me on my way with a bag full of prenatals.

I can't wait until our next visit to see what progress we've made! I will keep you all posted!

Love,

Delayna, Lance & Our little baby!